Monday, January 26, 2009

when you cry a piece of my heart dies...-City & Colour

Today is a very dark and gloomy day.
very lonely...
and quiet too.
i still have some time before i go to school.
so a few days ago i got the letter i wrote to my self at linden oaks that i wrote to my self in July.
i honestly did not think that i would get better.
i thought i was stuck in that horrible place that was making my life shorter and shorter.
it is really scary to think about it. to think that i was killing myself slowly without intentionally doing so.
when i look at pictures of myself during that time i still get shocked at how there was like nothing there.
how i really did look like a "walking skeleton" as my mom once told me.
at that time i really did not see myself like that. i mean i knew i had gotten skinnier but not that bad.
i can't even explain how horrible it was. it really was the worst time of my life.
and it is really crazy how one little thing can make a HUGE mess in your life.
I never want to go back there. and i am pretty confident that i won't.
i've been feeling very....i dont know..lately
i can't explain it..i guess i've not been feeling anything for a while...
maybe it's my medication...because now  it's like i am emotionless...
i dont even cry in sad movies anymore! hah
ahh but anyways i found this website--i don't know how i came across it
but it is soo repulsive! somebody should take it down!
ummi dont have the link but anyways its this girl like encouraging eating disorders
she has foods under 100 calories..she has pics of sickly thin people as inspriation and she has this blog to tell people what she ate
and what she did to lose some is just really crazyy becaue some girls are so naive that they would actually do what she says
or admire her! i knew ALOT of people who have had an eating disorder and it is NOT's not easy for them to recover from it either.
 it just makes me really sad that some girls and even boys have to go through that :(
i'm sorry that i'm going off on a tangent
but that just really rubbed me the wrong way...

that's my cute puppy :) his name is charlie :)

this is me and my boyfriend at the oasis concert :)

i just had so much stuff going on that i don't
even know where to begin.
i actually don't think i want to.
it's really nothing bad but it's just that i've been thinking alot,
i have all these thoughts in my head that it is hard to even get out?
if that even makes sense.
everything seems so dull.
...well anyways school is going okay except i am not so sure about my anatomy and physiology class :/
it's a lot of work and it is not easy...hopefully i can do it.
ah well i do not have much to say right now..maybe later i will update some more :)

Monday, January 19, 2009

the fabric of our life gets torn your arms i'd stay forever

forever if i could
forever if i may
keep me in your thoughts, don't disappear.

i am on your side
and so alive
i'm so alive
it isn't real.

i hate that i am so nostalgic.
sometimes i feel like im living in the past.
always think about the past
i always think about the people that i lost.
and it makes me mad that i let that happen.
i miss my friends.
i always think about them
i always wonder how they are doing.
they say friendship last forever...
that's a lie.
i guess some friends were good losing but some not.
there will always be those four people that i will never stop thinking about.
hmm it's pretty pathetic that i have no friends :(
but at least i have one :)
one bestfriend, my boyfriend :)

well that's all i've got

Friday, January 16, 2009


me and my sister.

what can i say? I love The Beatles <3

it has been unbelievably cold. so cold no one can even go outside.
it's really annoying i must say...
i miss my boyfriend :(
it's really hard right now to see eachother alot because of school 
and this damn weather...
but anyways i started reading The Girl With a Pearl Earring, it's actually really good
i started reading it last night and i'm pretty much almost done
i'm suprised i never read it before...oh well at least i'm reading it now